Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check, and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $34.75
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $35.75
(no tip)
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Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree. Write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, hand the clerk $20, and drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car and boxes stacked along the garage wall.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Remove drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil and splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin the cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over by patrol car; get arrested for driving under the influence (DUI).
38) Johnny somebody hauls it away on a rollback truck; car is impounded per police instructions.
39) Go to jail; get fingerprinted; put in the drunk lockupl; two hours later, allowed one call - call loving wife; make bail; ride home in dead silence.
40) Wife tells you to clean up the garage.
41) 12 hours later, pick up car from impound yard.
42) You see new scratch down the right side of the car. And the broken taillight.
43) On the way home, get an estimate for body paint repair. $1400.
45) You stop at the dealership. Go to the parts counter. Buy new taillight assembly. (Lens is glued to the rest of the taillight assembly). $267.92
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
Beer: $20.00
DUI Fine: $2500.00
Towing Fee: 125.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Repaint right side car: $1400.00
Taillight: $267.92
Total: $5937.92
But you know the job was done right!
