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#531815 - Tue Apr 29 2014 04:40 PM Todays Funny
Cold Pizza Online   content
Veteran Member

Registered: Tue May 17 2005
Loc: Illinois
..


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#531830 - Tue Apr 29 2014 05:11 PM Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza]
K W FRITH Online   content
Veteran Member

Registered: Sun Oct 21 2007
Loc: Devils Lake, ND---USA
Good One! LOL!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown Ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for Their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries And a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the Order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man Reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact Change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come Again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries And a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and Pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato And a salad," says the man. "Same," says the Ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order And says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
The man pulls the exact change out of his pocket And places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any Longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to Always come up with the exact change in your Pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was Cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me Two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had To pay for anything, I would just put my hand
In my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people Would ask for a Million Dollars or something, But you'll always be as rich as you want for asLong as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or aRolls Royce, the exact money is always there," Says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second Wish was for a tall chick with a big ***** and long Legs who agrees with everything I say.."



Edited by K W FRITH (Tue Apr 29 2014 05:17 PM)
_________________________
Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133

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#531842 - Tue Apr 29 2014 05:57 PM Re: Todays Funny [Re: K W FRITH]
JUNK KING Offline
Veteran Member

Registered: Thu Feb 14 2013
Loc: Oklahoma
Here's one

An Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if he was sick as he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this
_________________________
Seeking Knowledge and a Good Deal.
Always looking for neon signs and skins , Flying A ,& Wayne 60s.

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#531928 - Tue Apr 29 2014 09:41 PM Re: Todays Funny [Re: JUNK KING]
buzzy56 Offline
Petro Enthusiast

Registered: Sat Nov 24 2012
Loc: Michigan
That is a good one! smile
* Correction those are good ones !



Edited by buzzy56 (Tue Apr 29 2014 09:45 PM)
_________________________
Wanted TEXACO related items & SUNOCO related items .Signs -Globes et'c. Oil Cans - Grease cans .

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#531933 - Tue Apr 29 2014 09:55 PM Re: Todays Funny [Re: buzzy56]
hawkike Offline
Veteran Member

Registered: Sat Dec 09 2006
Loc: citrus heights ca.95610
Three "old gassers" were playing golf,one guy said "it is windy today" another man said "no,it's Thursday" the third man said "so am i,lets go get a beer"!

grin

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#531942 - Tue Apr 29 2014 11:01 PM Re: Todays Funny [Re: hawkike]
Dick Bennett Offline
Veteran Member

Registered: Wed Oct 25 2000
Loc: Santa Paula, Calif
Wanta Be Flipper of Oldgas placing an item in For Sale Forum;


Edited by Dick Bennett (Tue Apr 29 2014 11:03 PM)

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#531947 - Tue Apr 29 2014 11:20 PM Re: Todays Funny [Re: Dick Bennett]
huskybob Offline
Veteran Member

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2001
Loc: Near Tracy Rock
A pretty blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

Bill, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

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#531950 - Tue Apr 29 2014 11:35 PM Re: Todays Funny [Re: huskybob]
JUNK KING Offline
Veteran Member

Registered: Thu Feb 14 2013
Loc: Oklahoma
"I don't care who you are that's funny right there"
_________________________
Seeking Knowledge and a Good Deal.
Always looking for neon signs and skins , Flying A ,& Wayne 60s.

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#531951 - Tue Apr 29 2014 11:42 PM Re: Todays Funny [Re: JUNK KING]
JUNK KING Offline
Veteran Member

Registered: Thu Feb 14 2013
Loc: Oklahoma
One more.

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

"Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
_________________________
Seeking Knowledge and a Good Deal.
Always looking for neon signs and skins , Flying A ,& Wayne 60s.

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#531956 - Wed Apr 30 2014 12:09 AM Re: Todays Funny [Re: JUNK KING]
huskybob Offline
Veteran Member

Registered: Fri Nov 16 2001
Loc: Near Tracy Rock
Duck Hunting in Texas.......

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.”

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his stomach when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “OK, you old coot! now, it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No I give up, you can have the duck.


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#531964 - Wed Apr 30 2014 01:23 AM Re: Todays Funny [Re: huskybob]
Dave's Garage Offline
Veteran Member

Registered: Mon Dec 05 2011
Loc: Abbotsford, British Columbia, ...

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:..."Didn't feel a thing."
_________________________
Dave GILL,
Dave's Garage & Memorabilia, Inc.

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#532017 - Wed Apr 30 2014 09:00 AM Re: Todays Funny [Re: Dave's Garage]
Cold Pizza Online   content
Veteran Member

Registered: Tue May 17 2005
Loc: Illinois
_________________________
Collecting Vintage Sunoco

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#532440 - Fri May 02 2014 08:18 AM Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza]
JUNK KING Offline
Veteran Member

Registered: Thu Feb 14 2013
Loc: Oklahoma
After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"
_________________________
Seeking Knowledge and a Good Deal.
Always looking for neon signs and skins , Flying A ,& Wayne 60s.

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#532442 - Fri May 02 2014 08:23 AM Re: Todays Funny [Re: JUNK KING]
T-way Offline
Veteran Member

Registered: Wed Jul 24 2002
Loc: Riley, MI, USA
I had a hooker walk up to me and purr "I'll do things your wife will never do!"

"Really?", I said, "You'll iron my shirts!"


Edited by T-way (Fri May 02 2014 08:23 AM)
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#533679 - Wed May 07 2014 08:31 AM Re: Todays Funny [Re: T-way]
K W FRITH Online   content
Veteran Member

Registered: Sun Oct 21 2007
Loc: Devils Lake, ND---USA


CHURCH SQUIRRELS

There were five houses of religion in a small town:

The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church , The Methodist Church , The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
_________________________
Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133

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