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Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #678878
Wed Feb 08 2017 10:19 AM
Wed Feb 08 2017 10:19 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,831
Devils Lake, ND---USA
K W FRITH Offline
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Devils Lake, ND---USA
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Oh quit whining I fell for it, too.


Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #678891
Wed Feb 08 2017 01:08 PM
Wed Feb 08 2017 01:08 PM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 3,398
Riley, MI, USA
T-way Offline
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Riley, MI, USA
My wife sent me to the doctors. She said "Get some of those pills to enhance our sex life."

So I went.

When I got home I tossed her a bottle of pills and said 'These are for you."

"Me" she said, "What are these?"

"Diet pills."

Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #682477
Thu Mar 16 2017 06:07 AM
Thu Mar 16 2017 06:07 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,831
Devils Lake, ND---USA
K W FRITH Offline
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K W FRITH  Offline
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Posts: 11,831
Devils Lake, ND---USA
Travel Plans!

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country that was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.



Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.

So, laugh insanely and love truly


Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #682579
Thu Mar 16 2017 09:48 PM
Thu Mar 16 2017 09:48 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,233
Maryland
Nicole Offline
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Nicole  Offline
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Maryland
OMG! LOLOLOLOLOLOL Definitely needed that...

Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #682671
Sat Mar 18 2017 05:59 AM
Sat Mar 18 2017 05:59 AM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,218
Illinois
Cold Pizza Online content OP
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Cold Pizza  Online Content OP
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Illinois
..

funny pants.jpg

Collecting Vintage Sunoco
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #682677
Sat Mar 18 2017 08:23 AM
Sat Mar 18 2017 08:23 AM
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,392
Michigan, Union Pier
Done4 Online content
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Done4  Online Content
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Michigan, Union Pier
^^^ too freaking funny! Good one Cold Pizza. ^^^^


Have gas all the time
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #682703
Sat Mar 18 2017 12:25 PM
Sat Mar 18 2017 12:25 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,831
Devils Lake, ND---USA
K W FRITH Offline
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K W FRITH  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,831
Devils Lake, ND---USA
BUYING A MERCEDES





A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.


The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply
"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."

"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.


"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man...


"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that ***** to lower the price..
See you later, Dad, Happy Father's Day."

OPTIMISM IS GOING AFTER MOBY DICK IN A ROWBOAT AND TAKING TARTAR SAUCE WITH YOU!


Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #682704
Sat Mar 18 2017 12:32 PM
Sat Mar 18 2017 12:32 PM
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,710
Near Tracy Rock
H
huskybob Offline
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Near Tracy Rock
grin grin Really good one.

Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #682776
Sun Mar 19 2017 10:11 AM
Sun Mar 19 2017 10:11 AM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 178
UT
Wasatch Man Online content
Petro Enthusiast
Wasatch Man  Online Content
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Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 178
UT
Two friends come out of the bar after they have drank way to much . They stagger down the street together when they happen on a large german shepherd dog under a tree licking his privates . They both look at this dog at the same time when all of a sudden the one drunk says to the other, boy I sure wish I could do that and then the other drunk replies back well you better pet him first .

Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #683594
Fri Mar 31 2017 06:58 AM
Fri Mar 31 2017 06:58 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,831
Devils Lake, ND---USA
K W FRITH Offline
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K W FRITH  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,831
Devils Lake, ND---USA
Life explained!



On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That’s a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said “That's kind of hard to want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, “Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.


Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #683681
Sat Apr 01 2017 05:57 PM
Sat Apr 01 2017 05:57 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,233
Maryland
Nicole Offline
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Nicole  Offline
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Maryland
Peter and Kevin - OMG lol!

You know you are getting older when you keep putting your shirts on backwards or inside out.

Wish I could say this was a joke, but I seem to be doing just that at least once a month.

And why is it that God decided that not only should your vision get worse over time, but your handwriting declines twice as fast as the vision; so when you write stuff down, there are no reading nor magnifying glasses on earth that can help you decipher what you wrote. Right now it's just a word or two at a time, but just wait...

And don't get me started on writing down phone numbers and later having no clue who the number was for... : o

Last edited by Nicole; Sat Apr 01 2017 06:02 PM.
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #683835
Mon Apr 03 2017 03:59 PM
Mon Apr 03 2017 03:59 PM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,218
Illinois
Cold Pizza Online content OP
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Cold Pizza  Online Content OP
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Posts: 4,218
Illinois
A mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She tells him to get lost.
Not willing to give up,he pleads with her..."C'mon lady,I'm a fun gi." wink


Collecting Vintage Sunoco
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #701318
Wed Dec 27 2017 12:19 PM
Wed Dec 27 2017 12:19 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,831
Devils Lake, ND---USA
K W FRITH Offline
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K W FRITH  Offline
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Posts: 11,831
Devils Lake, ND---USA
Subject: Never forget a vowel...

Let me tell you that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell.

I recently penned a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e". No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

I wrote, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her!”


Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #702429
Sun Jan 14 2018 07:27 AM
Sun Jan 14 2018 07:27 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,233
Maryland
Nicole Offline
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Nicole  Offline
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Posts: 1,233
Maryland
Bob and I used to do a radio show Washington D. C. answering gardening questions. One day we were in a discussion with a gentleman who insisted that adding calcium would loosen up compacted clay soils. We worked hard to convince him that the only thing that would work is to break up the soil and mix in organic amendments (leaf compost for example)at a rate of 3 to 4 inches per foot, before planting.

Not to be discouraged, he cheerily said he was going to do what his farmer daddy used to do, and get dynamite to loosen the soil--mentioned he had a friend who had some old dynamite and hung up.

There was some dead air time as Bob and I sat there with our mouths open in disbelief. For weeks after I was checking the newspapers for any reports of someone's neighbor using dynamite to blow up their yard! Mostly I remember how happy he was that he had his own solution to his problem... laugh

Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #702430
Sun Jan 14 2018 07:28 AM
Sun Jan 14 2018 07:28 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,233
Maryland
Nicole Offline
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Nicole  Offline
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Maryland
Laughter is the best therapy...

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