Primarily Petroliana Shop Talk Forums Non-Petro Discussions Non-petro Discussion and Showcase Todays Funny

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my
loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the
check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a
car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

That's awesome Keith!

The fireworks display are for El Flamingo members only.
Non Members don't look up.

A friend of mine has 2 tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations, but, he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.

Seen on the web...

Here's a touching story about a young student named TYRONE!

Tyrone was having trouble in school. His teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone. Can't you learn anything?"

One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career.

Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.

Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.

Hint: If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you will vote for Hillary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone, he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His friend turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest, most respectful things I've ever seen." Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 35 years."

From the web...

Tomato Man's shoes are really slowing him down.

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (Giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

The Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT F@#%ING FUNERAL??"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom-made Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. "

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE..............

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep *****."

Saw this on a mini poster:

IF A MAN SAYS HE WILL FIX IT, HE WILL
There is no need to remind him every 6 months.

Something to ponder when you are hung over: Why doesn't mustache rhyme with headache?

An elderly lady was hard at work on a puzzle of a red rooster with no success,frustrated she called her neighbor and asked if he would come over to help put the the puzzle together.When he arrived she said "I can not make heads or tails of this thing".Seeing her anxiety he suggested they have a cup of coffee and relax,which they did.After the break he then said "now, lets put all the corn flakes back in the box"!

A lady brought a baby to a Dr's office and stated that she was concerned that the child was not doing well.The Doctor concurred that the child seemed malnourished.He asked,"is the child breast fed or bottle fed?"The lady answered "breast fed".The Doctor suggested that the lady put on a gown and have a breast examination.After app.five minutes of a thorough exam the Doctor said "no wonder the child is not doing well you have no milk".The lady replied "of course not I am the Grand Mother but I am certainly glad I came in!"

The Population of this country is 310 million.

160 Million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the Federal Government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing TERRORISTS.

Which leaves 17.2 Million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 Million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.


And there you are!



Sitting on your butt!



At your computer, reading jokes!



Nice.

Real nice.