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Re: Todays Funny [Re: Dale Stephens] #605654
Fri Mar 27 2015 07:29 AM
Fri Mar 27 2015 07:29 AM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,157
Illinois
Cold Pizza Offline OP
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Cold Pizza  Offline OP
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Illinois
..

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Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #611387
Sun May 03 2015 07:44 PM
Sun May 03 2015 07:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA
K W FRITH Offline
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K W FRITH  Offline
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Devils Lake, ND---USA
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as...

..."Sinko De Mayo"


Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133
Re: Todays Funny [Re: K W FRITH] #615881
Mon Jun 01 2015 06:24 PM
Mon Jun 01 2015 06:24 PM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,157
Illinois
Cold Pizza Offline OP
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Cold Pizza  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,157
Illinois
.

funny1.jpg
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #626747
Sun Aug 23 2015 08:10 AM
Sun Aug 23 2015 08:10 AM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,157
Illinois
Cold Pizza Offline OP
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Cold Pizza  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,157
Illinois
.

funnyx.jpg
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #626757
Sun Aug 23 2015 09:53 AM
Sun Aug 23 2015 09:53 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA
K W FRITH Offline
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K W FRITH  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA

A laugh and a smile to start your day.....


The longer you've been together, the funnier this becomes

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and
forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said,
"For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel...
you know how to fish!"


Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #628661
Sun Sep 06 2015 11:08 AM
Sun Sep 06 2015 11:08 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA
K W FRITH Offline
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K W FRITH  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA
During his physical, the doctor asked Tom, "the patient",
about his daily activity level
​ . ​
​ He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
marched up and down several rocky hills,
stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand,
jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake
and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
“You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
”No,” he replied, “I'm just a ***** golfer.”


Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #628682
Sun Sep 06 2015 04:22 PM
Sun Sep 06 2015 04:22 PM
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,518
Calgary AB
Gasman84470 Offline
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Gasman84470  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,518
Calgary AB
Sounds like my game Kevin. Snake bit and itchy.

Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #630303
Sat Sep 19 2015 10:11 AM
Sat Sep 19 2015 10:11 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA
K W FRITH Offline
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K W FRITH  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA


IT’S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME....



"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?" asked the clerk.

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones?? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers?? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim .Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage ​ ​is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Anderson."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it!? I quit! You people are making a mockery of marriage!"


Don't laugh, it’s just a matter of time ​.​


Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133
Re: Todays Funny [Re: K W FRITH] #630317
Sat Sep 19 2015 01:10 PM
Sat Sep 19 2015 01:10 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,102
citrus heights ca.95610
hawkike Offline
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hawkike  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,102
citrus heights ca.95610
Yes,that door has been opened!!

shocked

Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #630322
Sat Sep 19 2015 02:39 PM
Sat Sep 19 2015 02:39 PM
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 162
Hancock County Maine
T
Tunk-Z28 Offline
Petro Enthusiast
Tunk-Z28  Offline
Petro Enthusiast
T
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 162
Hancock County Maine
I Feel sorry for the future generation !

Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #630379
Sun Sep 20 2015 10:14 AM
Sun Sep 20 2015 10:14 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA
K W FRITH Offline
Veteran Member
K W FRITH  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA



The minister's wife

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's
wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.

After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all
sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally, the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is
sleeping with your wife right now; so, he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder, and says,
"You'd better hurry home. My wife died a year ago......!!!."


Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #631912
Sat Oct 03 2015 11:07 AM
Sat Oct 03 2015 11:07 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA
K W FRITH Offline
Veteran Member
K W FRITH  Offline
Veteran Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA
Life just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

This is what happens when old people start using technology.


Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133
Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #631922
Sat Oct 03 2015 12:43 PM
Sat Oct 03 2015 12:43 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,225
Maryland
Nicole Offline
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Nicole  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,225
Maryland
Personal story eh?

Re: Todays Funny [Re: Nicole] #631976
Sat Oct 03 2015 06:24 PM
Sat Oct 03 2015 06:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,702
Near Tracy Rock
H
huskybob Offline
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H
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,702
Near Tracy Rock
Originally Posted By Nicole
Personal story eh?

grin grin grin wink

Re: Todays Funny [Re: Cold Pizza] #637691
Thu Nov 19 2015 07:24 PM
Thu Nov 19 2015 07:24 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA
K W FRITH Offline
Veteran Member
K W FRITH  Offline
Veteran Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,679
Devils Lake, ND---USA
Subject: FW: POLICE REPORT


Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't
remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know
exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my truck.

Sergeant:
What kind of truck was it?

Husband:
A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special
ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air
conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which
has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and
"Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special
wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver,
23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power
outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has
custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up. . .
. .

Sergeant:

Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.


Everything Cities Service
Specializing in old Gas Pumps
kwfrith@gondtc.com
Cell#-701-739-6133
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