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Joined: Dec 2011
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Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.
Theirs will be first on the schedule. The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?" The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision." "Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
Dave GILL, Dave's Garage & Memorabilia, Inc.
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,137 Likes: 10
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Rare pumps, Chevrolet items, Goldon Tip Gasoline, Marathon (running man) Cell # 1-502-396-3435 email lowright@aol.com
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 12,282 Likes: 12
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A guy sits down at the bar and orders several drinks in rapid succession.
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks .
“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!”
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well,Maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?”
"Yeah he says, But today is the last day.”
Everything Cities Service Specializing in old Gas Pumps kwfrith@gondtc.com Cell#-701-739-6133
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 1,559 Likes: 43
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If a man and woman from Kentucky get divorced are they still brother and sister? (Sorry Kentuckians it's an Indiana thing)
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 8,818 Likes: 2
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A testimony to true friendship is...
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
Dave GILL, Dave's Garage & Memorabilia, Inc.
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 12,110 Likes: 1
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My friend's 8 year old daughter told me this simple joke.... Q: What do you call a Fake Noodle? A: An "Im-Pasta!" ( I made at least a dozen other people laugh today with this one! )
DOC @ THE AMERICAN GARAGE
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 8,818 Likes: 2
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you. "
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you?
Dave GILL, Dave's Garage & Memorabilia, Inc.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 12,282 Likes: 12
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Fantastic card trick-- a little long, but worth the watch!! http://maggiesfarm.anotherdotcom.com/arc...oke-It-Out.html
Everything Cities Service Specializing in old Gas Pumps kwfrith@gondtc.com Cell#-701-739-6133
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,643 Likes: 42
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OP
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Posts: 4,643 Likes: 42 |
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 8,818 Likes: 2
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Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works. Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down. Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
Dave GILL, Dave's Garage & Memorabilia, Inc.
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,078
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How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
When she fits in your wife's clothes.
Mike
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,643 Likes: 42
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 12,282 Likes: 12
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CROW MYSTERY
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to Determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
Everything Cities Service Specializing in old Gas Pumps kwfrith@gondtc.com Cell#-701-739-6133
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,066
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BAD Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?""
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,643 Likes: 42
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Nancy has a heart attack and is taken to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience,during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. As soon as she had recovered,Nancy figured that since she's got another 30 or 40 years,she might as well stay in the hospital and have the face-lift,liposuction,breast augmentation and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even changed the color of her hair.But tragedy struck some weeks later as Nancy is leaving hospital,she is knocked over and killed by a car just as she left the hospital. When Nancy arrives in front of God she asks,"I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies,"I didn't recognize you."
Collecting Vintage Sunoco
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