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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 131
Petro Enthusiast
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Petro Enthusiast
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 131 |
A blonde hires a contractor to replace some windows in her home. The contractor puts her on a payment plan.
A year goes by, and the contractor has yet to receive a payment. He calls the blonde, and she replys "Sir, when I bought the windows, you told me they would pay for themselves in a year".
Ed from South Jersey
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,900 Likes: 48
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,900 Likes: 48 |
A husband thinks his wife may be going deaf...but she thinks he's wrong. So he goes to his Dr. and asks him what he should do. The Dr. says he should stand about 40ft. from his wife and say something in a normal tone of voice. If she doesn't respond, he should move 10 ft closer and try it. If she still doesn't respond, he should move another 10 ft closer and so on and so on, until she responds. The next day he's standing near the door and see's his wife in the kitchen....about 40 ft away. In a normal voice he says, "honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So he moves to 30ft and tries again. Still no response. Then he moves to 20ft, then 10ft and still no response. Finally, he walks up next to her and says, "honey, what's for dinner?"........
And she says......
"for the 5th time, It's chicken!"
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,639 Likes: 42
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OP
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,639 Likes: 42 |
Collecting Vintage Sunoco
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,639 Likes: 42
Veteran Member
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OP
Veteran Member
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 4,639 Likes: 42 |
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,005
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Posts: 1,005 |
LOL
Seeking Knowledge and a Good Deal. Always looking for neon signs and skins , Flying A ,& Wayne 60s.
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 212
Petro Enthusiast
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Petro Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 212 |
Since my 65 birthday is tomorrow, think I'll us the Hooters joke at birthday dinner, Thanks Cold Pizza (cold as hell out here in DeKalb)
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 12,282 Likes: 12
Veteran Member
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Veteran Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 12,282 Likes: 12 |
NAVY COOKS An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew in enlisted mess he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done so it could be used on other ships under his command. The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia". Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!" The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
Last edited by K W FRITH; Fri Jan 09 2015 03:01 PM.
Everything Cities Service Specializing in old Gas Pumps kwfrith@gondtc.com Cell#-701-739-6133
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 2,195 Likes: 74
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 2,195 Likes: 74 |
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2245.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’
Wanted early tin litho signage. petro, farm, auto, etc.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 12,282 Likes: 12
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Veteran Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 12,282 Likes: 12 |
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."
In Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas , he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."
In Kansas , he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."
In Montana , he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Alabama , he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia , he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."
And in North Dakota he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."
Last edited by Ryan Underthun; Mon Jan 19 2015 12:29 PM.
Everything Cities Service Specializing in old Gas Pumps kwfrith@gondtc.com Cell#-701-739-6133
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,005
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I know a couple of those guys.
Seeking Knowledge and a Good Deal. Always looking for neon signs and skins , Flying A ,& Wayne 60s.
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,066
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,066 |
HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting "13...13...13".
The fence was too high to see over but I found a knothole to look through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and they all started shouting "14...14...14".
Last edited by Scott Baselt; Wed Jan 21 2015 01:39 PM.
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 8,818 Likes: 2
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 8,818 Likes: 2 |
BLONDE AT THE SUPER BOWL
Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best because it makes football make sense!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
Dave GILL, Dave's Garage & Memorabilia, Inc.
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 8,818 Likes: 2
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An IRS inquiry The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of fine Barbados Rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally." IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to -- the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know?"
Dave GILL, Dave's Garage & Memorabilia, Inc.
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 8,818 Likes: 2
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Joined: Dec 2011
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50 Shades of Golf
Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night..
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So--- Here I am!
Dave GILL, Dave's Garage & Memorabilia, Inc.
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 979 Likes: 1
Petro Enthusiast
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Petro Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 979 Likes: 1 |
That'll teach her. Good one, Dave...
Wanted: Champion Spark plug, Shell, Pennzoil, Kendall, and Woco Pep signs...Dale Stephens
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